I find myself, almost a month after my father died, using his death as some kind of major time milestone in my life. I’ll catch myself saying things like “before my father died” or “since my father died” to describe an event in a series of time.
Of course, this is a momumental event in terms of my life. It is not that I have been immune, thus far, to personal tragedy, but before this, every event had at least one more degree of separation from me than this does. My 5 year old cousin passing away two years ago shook me to my very core. But again, it was another degree of separation from my own very nuclear family. This is somehow decidedly different.
Today would be my parents’ 38th wedding anniversary. Earlier this week was my seventh. I found myself looking at wedding pictures, seeing my father in them, and being at the same time, glad he was alive then to see my wedding and the addition of my darling husband to our family, but also, thinking “What if you’d known you had less than 7 years to live right then? What then?”
I think the time demarcation might last in my life for a long time. Maybe forever.
I also now find myself wishing time away far too much. This has to stop. But I find myself impatiently waiting for 3:30 pm every day, for that is when my mom gets home from work. I want to, no need to, call her every day and make sure things are okay. That she’s handling things, or that i can help her, and just, honestly, make sure she’s still there. I leave for work at 4:15pm, so there is only a little window to do so each day.
In that before time, I talked to my parents on the phone quite often. Usually 3-4 times a week. It is not unusual that I talk to my mom every day. But I know it is my own need to connect and feel “normal” that is driving it, now.
But I do need to stop wishing all the time before it away in my head, and start enjoying the time I spend from morning to afternoon every day as well. I do enjoy the time, some of it, but I do catch myself clock-watching far too much. Lucky for me I have kids to snuggle.
Happy anniversary, mom and dad. Except today it isn’t really very happy. So what do I call it?
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